DIED LIVING

Some days it feels like the walls are closing in

No one hears or listens to the pain I am in,

I wonder if I am cursed or perhaps I have committed an unholy sin.

Always tethered to take the loss,

Not even one chance at winning.

It’s hard to keep my thoughts in check

When all I do is overthink,

My mind always has it foot on the accelerator.

People who I thought would’ve held me down,

Tend to be the ones who has an hold of the knife in my back.

I can’t even breathe a breath of fresh air

the atmosphere of toxicity,

Is all that I live in.

Striving to live, yet still I am struggling,

Needing help but no fucks giving.

In this hell hole I keep sinking,

Quicker than quicksand.

I am dying to live.

Still, I have died living!

©️Xavier J. Frazer

ONE THE INSIDE

Sometimes I wish I knew how to un-fuck myself,

When I say this I am not talking about sex.

Some day’s I am feeling myself,

Then there are those days when I feel nothing.

It’s like being trapped in a place where my thoughts are overbearing,

the weight of the world is nestled on my head,

I have no strength to carry it.

No matter how strong my appearance seem,

All I want to do is pull my hair out and scream.

Nothing makes sense as I clench to what little sanity I have left.

Anxiety holds me captive,

Not as a patriot, but more like a POW.

Between myself and depression a war brews,

I always end up being the casualty.

I come bearing smiles but my body is scarred beyond recognition,

And my soul is like a scared child,

Longing for just a hug or a warm smile.

No one knows the terror I am tormented with,

If they do they still don’t care.

By the things, I do I am classified as being weird.

I kill myself trying to fit in with a crowd that does not need me,

Myself kills me for indulging.

I can’t remember one past time of a happy memory,

Everything reminds me of the cuttings.

Many books decorated with suicide notes.

When I think about it all,

My whole being has always felt like it’s an encampment for little demons;

They are always raging wars.

Still, when I look in the mirror I see true beauty,

I don’t see this person,

I don’t see that person.

I see only me.

©Xavier J. Frazer

Ghost To Myself

There’s many storms brewing

Yet, when I present myself to you,

I am as calm as the midday sea

I spend days fighting a never-ending battle,

A war I have no chance of winning.

I pretend to be who I am not

Trapped and restrained the real me,

I’ve have been hurt too many times to count

Injuries they’re overwhelming,

I sit sulking away over a bottle of gin & pineapple juice

Though they do nothing to numb this pain;

I succumbed to my emotions.

My outward appearance seems strong

Yet, behind closed doors, I am like a sponge submerged in water,

Reminiscing with tears as they lose grip of my water-based eyes

Heaven knows I have grown weary of putting on this show,

I tire of the scenes I play

And the all too familiar cast I know,

Still, I await these curtains to come down

Putting an end to this on-going fiasco;

Maybe then I will have some closure.

© Xavier J. Frazer

Its been awhile

Hey guys sorry for my absence, been extremely busy with life and all. I recently got married and I am currently working on two unfinished manuscript. But I will be posting poems, Bi-weekly starting tomorrow.

Lifeless

She waits tirelessly for you
Led on by the false hope
that you reassure her by
She’s covered in scars
Scar’s that can’t be seen by the naked eye
She knows pain
excruciating pain
She’s battered and bruised by your lies
To the fact that she hides from the truth
Her heart its shattered beyond recognition
Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually
you tore her down
There’s no relief for the hurt she feels
Anaesthetic is useless when her soul is lifeless