ONE THE INSIDE

Sometimes I wish I knew how to un-fuck myself,

When I say this I am not talking about sex.

Some day’s I am feeling myself,

Then there are those days when I feel nothing.

It’s like being trapped in a place where my thoughts are overbearing,

the weight of the world is nestled on my head,

I have no strength to carry it.

No matter how strong my appearance seem,

All I want to do is pull my hair out and scream.

Nothing makes sense as I clench to what little sanity I have left.

Anxiety holds me captive,

Not as a patriot, but more like a POW.

Between myself and depression a war brews,

I always end up being the casualty.

I come bearing smiles but my body is scarred beyond recognition,

And my soul is like a scared child,

Longing for just a hug or a warm smile.

No one knows the terror I am tormented with,

If they do they still don’t care.

By the things, I do I am classified as being weird.

I kill myself trying to fit in with a crowd that does not need me,

Myself kills me for indulging.

I can’t remember one past time of a happy memory,

Everything reminds me of the cuttings.

Many books decorated with suicide notes.

When I think about it all,

My whole being has always felt like it’s an encampment for little demons;

They are always raging wars.

Still, when I look in the mirror I see true beauty,

I don’t see this person,

I don’t see that person.

I see only me.

©Xavier J. Frazer

Chaos Of The Mind

The hardest part about living is going through life not knowing who or what I am meant to be,
I keep trying to live up to people’s expectations of me,
For some I am a friend, a motivator, an inspiration or perhaps a
beacon of hope.
So many effort put into crafting and discovering myself just to end up lost,
In a time paradox of a multi complex universe
where dreams materialise and small corporations turn in to franchise,
Misled by a delusional illusion of my mind
Like the fact that the blood beneath my skin is blue and once it hits the open air it becomes red.
As if that wasn’t already a burden,
I am left to travel along this weary path with confused souls who are like ticking time bombs with very short fuses,
This is not your ordinary muse,
I am just an average guy who refuses to be conformed, contorted by this reality with no surety of what lies in the next.
It’s just a hit, smash or pass situation causing unwanted frustration,
Disguised in an awkward mobo jumbo of black and white complications
Where my sanity is a mess and is in need of constant sanitisation.
They say a beautiful mind is attractive,
How can I see the beauty of mine, when it’s in complete chaos?